TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of miscarriage, grief, depression
During Lockdown #1 in the UK, I found myself on furlough, quickly running out of things to keep my mind occupied and sinking into a pit of grief that I had teetered on the edge of for 5 months. I was alone most of the days as my husband works nights and sleeps most of the day, and my two dogs loved spending all their time sleeping, so it was a no brainer that when they realised they could sleep in bed with my husband all day, then that's where they would be.
I found some peace in getting household tasks done that I had no time for before. I decorated my hallway, bathroom and put in a cleaning schedule to ensure that I didn't sit on my ass all day, aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and playing games.
Inevitably the depression lurked closer each day and the grief I had worked so hard to move on from came crashing down on top of me.
On 10th November 2019, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby after trying for 8 months. On 14th November, I miscarried. I was heartbroken, confused, angry and just wanted to curl up in bed and let whatever forces took my baby, take me. But I had responsibilities.
I had just started a new job and the day I miscarried was the day that I turned up for my first day of training. I pushed myself to show up, as I had bills that needed paying and I had to make a good impression. Looking back, I wish I had taken a day or two to get my head round what was happening. But I turned up to every training session the following week, went in to help set up for opening night and worked a 10 hour shifts from then on. I hardly had any time to grieve. We named our baby 'Nova' as in the creation of a star, memorialised them on our Christmas Tree with a special ornament and I received a few beautiful gifts from family in memory of them. But I couldn't grieve, not yet.
Flash forward to lockdown #1 and all that grief that I had kept inside of me came out, especially when we suffered a Chemical Pregnancy in July. I would cry myself to sleep, because I found no other way to silence the noise in my head. I blamed myself and my body. I threw myself into my Tarot Card Practice to help me heal, as well as taking up painting, cross stitch, jigsaws, journaling etc. Then I found Macramé.
I said in a 'Get To Know Me' post on social media that the saying...
'When feathers appear, Loved Ones are near'
is special to me. I even had it on a canvas at our wedding with pictures of our lost loved ones who couldn't be there on our special day.
Well, it was true in this case too. I was searching Pinterest for other craft projects to keep my mind busy and up popped a tutorial for a Macramé Feather. I remember thinking at the time, 'Just give me something to do Nova, I don't know w
hat to do'. It was like a sign from them. A..
'Hey Mama, Do this. This will help you. Love, Nova. x'
And so my love for Macramé began. It started with a feather wall hanging, then some earrings, and then here we are. Almost 2 months l
ater, 20 sales fulfilled, a goal of where I want Love, Nova to be within the next year and a way of healing my heart by giving the love that was left stranded when Nova left us, to my beautiful customers.
I share my story in the hope that it not only raises awareness that miscarriage is common and the trauma that comes with it should be recognised, but also to give hope to others that beautiful things can blossom out of that trauma and heartbreak.
I will never forget Nova. I will continue to say their name, because they existed. It was only for a short time, but they existed nonetheless. Loss at any stage in a pregnancy is still a loss. Nova was wanted, loved and will forever be our first <3